Sorry, This is Another Post About Sports Mascots

Let me begin with admitting I was wrong.  For years, any time I was at a home game for the Cleveland Guardians or any time I could bend someone’s ear on the subject, I would decry the Sugardale Hot Dog Race.  For the uninitiated, this is a segment of in-stadium entertainment at Progressive Field in which three giant hot dogs  (Ketchup, Mustard, and Onion) participate in a foot race around the ballpark.  Often there is some sort of chicanery, mishap, or foul play that influences the outcome of the race; rarely, if ever is it a clean victory for whichever hot dog crosses the finish line first.  This tomfoolery was the source of my derision.

What did it say about us as a people if even a simple foot race between human sized frankfurters could not be a pure competition, free of cheating and deceit?  Was nothing sacred?  I felt vindicated during a game I attended when I was confronted by Ketchup after I heckled him from the outfield stands and through gestures communicated to me that he was just in it for the money. My argument was rooted in that state of delusion that has plagued our culture time and time again - an overly simplistic, nostalgia-addled yearning for a more ideal state of affairs that never really existed in the first place.    

In 2022, on a visit home to the Buckeye State, I attended a game and realized that I had the Hot Dog Race all wrong.  As the franks took to the field, I rolled my eyes and mouthed off some comment akin to “here we go with this bullshit again”.  The hot dogs ran around the perimeter of the field.  One of them took an early lead and maintained it to the very end, crossing the finish line without incident.  Taken aback, I said “What the hell?  Nothing even happened!”  It dawned on me that I got what I wanted and it sucked. Because its not what I needed.

In professional wrestling, there is a term called “kayfabe” which refers to the illusion that everything that happens within the confines of the wrestling league, both in and out of the ring, is authentic and real.  In actuality of course, wrestling is an astounding combination of physical feat and theatrical performance.  Characters and storylines are interwoven with brilliant demonstrations of athleticism, and people love it.  This is why David Mamet probably said “its like the modern day Shakespearean epic” or something like that (I cannot be bothered to look this up).  I had taken the journey from fully buying the kayfabe of the Hot Dog Race and thrashing against it to recognizing it for what it was and being a little disappointed with the results.  I wanted more treachery and deceit!  I thought back to the previous races I had watched and felt like they were only scratching at the surface of the medium’s potential.

So, in the depths of this previous winter, fighting off cabin fever and a vitamin D deficiency, I started writing out plots and scenarios for the Sugardale Hot Dog Races. Through some gumshoe sleuthing, I tracked down the contact info for a few members of the Guest Experience and Entertainment teams for the Guardians and emailed them my work. I have, as of this writing, not heard anything from them, but I am holding out hope. In the mean time, I will share my ideas with you. Note: some of these pitches contain references to Slider, the mascot of the Cleveland Guardians. Slider is a big purple creature with yellow spots who is like a weird, worse relative of the Philly Phanatic. Sure, I gave him a high five when I was a kid and his hand squeaked, but even childhood joy can’t erase the fact that he kind of sucks. Anyway:

• Onion is running while reading a newspaper, Ketchup tries to read over her shoulder.  Eventually Ketchup snatches the paper and reads to see just what the big deal is, Onion punches Ketchup in the face through the paper, knocking him out cold.

• Competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi is invited to throw out the first pitch of the game.  During the hot dog race, it starts normal but then Kobayashi charges on to the field with a napkin tied around his neck and he’s licking his lips.  All three hotdogs take off like a shot and have a three way tie.

• Onion pulls two banana peels out of her purse and Ketchup and Mustard slip on them

• In tribute to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, midway through the race the trio stops to pick up instruments and jam out.  Ketchup suddenly wraps up Mustard and Onion with the microphone cable and runs to the finish line.

• September 10 - in tribute to Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry’s victory over the British in the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812, the hot dogs stop to fire cannons at an effigy of King George III.  Neglecting to cover their ears, all three are dazed from the blast and stumble through the rest of the race with Onion ultimately winning out.

• A Salute to the Performing Arts!  In tribute to Playhouse Square, a three game series will feature homages to theater including:

  • Mustard, dressed like the Phantom of the Opera, drops a chandelier on Onion and Ketchup who are dressed as Christine and Raul

  • The hot dogs all dress up in colonial garb and dance around to Hamilton, no real mischief but who cares people will love it

  • The hot dogs do Cats style choreography as they prance across the field in cat costumes

• Public Domain Extravaganza - a series inspired by works in the public domain

  • Hotdogs are three little pigs and Slider is the Big Bad Wolf

  • Hotdogs are the three bears and Slider is Goldilocks

  • Steamboat Ketchup - Ketchup is dressed like early Mickey Mouse and abuses the other hot dogs (people forget that Mickey Mouse was originally a little stinker!)

• Mothers Day / Fathers Day they all dress up like moms and dads

• Mustard gets distracted by a ball in cup toy

• On national ice cream day they all get big cones but the ice cream falls off on two of them

• Onion paints a tunnel on the right field wall and runs down it, Ketchup and Mustard crash into the solid wall when they try to follow

• Ketchup stops to tie his shoe, Mustard stops to help him and ties his shoes together

• Onion falls down and Mustard helps her up (beginning of a romance?)

• In the event of a “Bark at the Park” dog friendly night, each Hot Dog is paired with a mascot dog: Moondog from the Cavs, Chomps from the Browns, and Scottie dog from Ohio’s College of Wooster (this one is a stretch, I know, but unless we want to pair someone with Sir CC or the Lake Erie Monsters mascot which is an eagle for some reason, it’s the best we’ve got).  All our dogs are leashed up and pull the Hot Dogs across the finish line.  The crowd is invited to contemplate the strange implications of the mascots being on leashes.

• Cleveland Clinic Appreciation Night - the Hot Dogs are dressed in surgical scrubs for the race.  In center field,  a spectating Slider suddenly goes into cardiac arrest.  The Hot Dogs produce a gurney and an IV bag, load Slider on and together race him across the finish line.  The three perform chest compressions, CPR, perhaps even an intubation.  Slider’s condition stabilizes once Ketchup uses a defibrillator on him and Ketchup is afforded the win.

• When we welcome the Pirates for a homestand, the Hot Dogs all dress up in pirate garb, eye patches, parrots, etc.  The losers of the race have to walk a plank.

• During Labor Day weekend when they have the air show, dress them all up in flight suits with aviator sunglasses and blast the Top Gun soundtrack during the race.  Don’t need any trickery for the race, the crowd will be too busy getting amped up and high fiving each other to notice.

• Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (henceforth abbreviated RRHOF) tribute - August 15, anniversary of Woodstock.  Onion dresses like Joan Baez, Mustard like a member of the Grateful Dead, and Ketchup like a member of Sha Na Na to remind everyone that Woostock wasn’t all cool musicians.  (Apologies to Sha Na Na)

• RRHOF tribute - Pink Floyd night.  One of the Hot Dogs is wearing a Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt, another is on fire like the guy on the cover of Wish You Were Here, and another Hot Dog costume has been remodeled to look like those statues on the cover of The Division Bell.  They race to a medley that starts with Run (obviously), then goes into Brick in the Wall Part 2 as they climb over a small model of the wall, and then after the finish line they all lie down in the grass blissed out together while Us and Them plays.

• RRHOF tribute - ABBA.  The Hot Dogs dress in the Mamma Mia costumes and stop at centerfield to perform a short choreographed dance to Waterloo.

• RRHOF tribute - Producers Night.  One is dressed like Glyn Johns, another like Phil Spector, and another like Barry Gordy Jr.  This one might not fly, come to think of it, there are some complicated personalities and criminal records on that list.

• The summer olympics are in 2024, make them do a slo-mo race to Chariots of Fire.  This one is so obvious I can’t believe I wrote like 20 other ideas before coming to it.

• Have one race with a fourth hot dog contestant that is just a costume of an empty bun with no discernible or identifying facial features, I want to see what kind of reaction it would elicit from the crowd.  Just thinking about it sends a shiver down my spine.

• On the anniversary of Ten Cent Beer Night, the visibly intoxicated Hot Dogs recreate some of the antics from the greatest promotional folly in the team’s history.  This includes fist fighting, kissing the umpires, and stealing the bases.

• Despicable Me 4 comes out this summer and man, would it be easy to throw on a coat of paint and turn those Hot Dogs into Minions.  You know what?  Have the Hot Dogs wear Minion costumes, it would be stupid and funny to have a costume on a costume.

• The School’s Out Banana Peel Challenge - when school finishes in June, any child in grades 1-5 who can present a report card with an A average will be entered into a drawing.  Each home stand for the rest of the summer, one lucky kid will have the opportunity to place a banana peel in the path of the Hot Dog of their choosing at the beginning of the race, and then they can point and laugh when that Hot Dog absolutely eats it.  Not only does this encourage good grades, it takes care of several games worth of content.

• One race, Mustard takes Onion by the hand and disappears into the home dugout.  On the jumbotron we see a prerecorded video of them walking through the clubhouse schmoozing with the players and staff kind of like that long tracking shot in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco are entering the Copa through the back door.  While all this is going on, Ketchup wins the race I guess.

• Can we get the Hot Dogs to race against some of the McDonald’s characters?  We all remember how delightful Grimace’s Birthday promotion was last year with the Grimace Shake becoming a sensation.  As I write this now, they seem to be rolling out an ad campaign featuring the Hamburglar.  Get some of those guys out on the field.  Plus, McDonald’s doesn’t sell hotdogs so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue of fraternizing with the enemy, right?

• We do a classic Tortoise and the Hare scenario when the Mets come to town.  Mr. and Mrs. Met participate in the race and take off like a shot, the embodiment of the big city, deep pocketed hotshots.  But, they get cocky and stop to enjoy some Sauerkraut that Slider is offering before they can pass the finish line.  Our salt of the earth Hot Dog heroes blow past them and win. (Editorial note, this was written before the recent developments in Mrs. Met’s silencing)

• For one homestand, all three Hot Dogs are visibly pregnant and have to navigate the races with baby bumps.  At the last game, they all lay giant eggs that are painted to look like hotdogs.  The eggs are incubated under a heat lamp in the bullpen until September 1 when they hatch as little cocktail wieners.  Heralding the start of wedding season, they go off to become pigs-in-a-blanket at a wedding reception while Cat Stevens’ “Father and Son” plays.  This canonically establishes that the Hot Dogs reproduce by laying eggs.

• Back to School Special: in a hypocritical inverse of the “School’s Out Banana Peel Challenge”, any child who is playing hooky to attend a game once school is in session gets entered in a drawing to wave the flag to start the race.  What they don’t realize though, is that we will unveil a new costumed character “Mr. No-Fun the Truant Officer” who then chases the child across the field. 

If you ask me, they’re leaving money on the table here. Maybe the Guards will come around eventually!