Opening Day

The crack of the bat. The snap of a frankfurter. Peanut shells littering the ground, providing good traction as you scale the steps back up to the cheap seats. Opening Day of Major League Baseball is upon us after a nice little teaser pair of games in South Korea last week, which was largely overshadowed by the scandal surrounding Shohei Ohtani and his former interpreter’s alleged gambling debts. In the week’s time between those games and the full-throated start of the season, there’s been little else to talk about. But now, baseball is back properly and I am filled once more with a sense of optimism and wonder about what lies ahead. In this spirit, I am going to lay out my hopes, dreams, and wishes for the 2024 season.

1. I want to bring a big, wet sandwich to a Mets game and eat it. Towards the end of last season, I started poring over the rules and regulations about outside food and beverages at Citi Field, consulting Quora articles and Reddit threads like I was parsing legal code. As I understand it, I am pretty sure that it is within my rights to go to a deli, get a big hero with Italian cold cuts, oil, vinegar, the works, and bring that bad boy to the stadium. Or maybe even a meatball sub! So long as I have it in a normal bag or something like that, I think I’m good. I’m pretty sure the main thing they are stringent about is soft plastic water bottles of a certain size and no backpacks unless they are see-thru. I’m going to have to double check, but I really just want to be sitting pretty with a big sloppy sandwich while all the other dopes around me are stuck with their twelve dollar footlongs. This ties in to my next aspiration…

2. Go to more games by myself. Please do not think I am antisocial, I want to go to more games with people as well. If you want to go to a game and want a companion, hit me up. However, two seasons ago I started throwing in the occasional solo jaunt to the ballpark and it was a breakthrough in my self care routine. Time spent by myself can be very restorative for me and it just so happens that the ways I enjoy spending time alone call to mind a divorced man who doesn’t have the kids that weekend. Leaving work early to catch a day game absolutely rules and it will rule even more when I’m eating my big wet sandwich and trying to get the radio broadcast going in my earbuds while watching the game live.

3. Have my ideas used in the Hot Dog Race at a Cleveland Guardians game. I am going to devote a full post to this project later, but I have spent part of this winter writing out plots and scripts to spice up the costumed Hot Dog Race that occurs at every Cleveland home game. I have a complicated history with this event and I don’t want to get into it too much now because I am in the process of getting my pitch in front of the right people, but I want to put this out there into the universe.

4. Successful or at the very least injury-free seasons for my Boys. Having grown up in Northeast Ohio, my favorite team is the Cleveland Guardians but over the years living in the Big Onion, I have adopted the New York Metropolitans as my secondary/National League/side piece team because I am a glutton for punishment and the only thing I know or respect is pain and suffering. The roster needs of the Guard Dogs were clear and present this offseason, and as per usual, the cheapskate owners did jack shit to meet them. It’s ok though, the home opener is the same day The Eclipse passes over Cleveland and I’m holding out hope that the celestial anomaly could portend good fortune and put some pop in the bats. If that doesn’t happen you can catch me in late June sweating bullets while I stare directly at the sun muttering “I dunno, with good starting pitching we’ll always have a shot.” The Mets on the other hand are in a weird position where they could maybe hang, possibly suck, or just blow it up in preparation for 2025. I’m excited because it feels like the stakes are lower and I can just enjoy some of the finer things in life: Pete Alonso hitting a ball and that ball going very far, Francisco Lindor smiling, Cousin Jeff McNeil’s knobless bat, and my favorite ex-girlfriend Mrs. Met.

5. Try barbecue flavored sunflower seeds. This one is by far the most attainable, so I figured I’d throw it in to get some momentum going for the other four.

Play friggin’ ball I guess!