Is This Healthy?

I am writing to you, beloved reader, from the midst of a punishing, ass-kicking heat wave that has swept through the Midwest and is now settled on the East Coast. As the sweat pours from my body and I feel myself slipping in and out of temperature induced stupors, I am giving due consideration to my health. The constraints of the human body and the limits imposed up on it by the environment have put this top of mind.

Allow me, if you will, to make some dubious claims and assert some full-throated opinions here with impunity; I acknowledge that I am speaking of my personal experience and I do not think these bloviations are universally and empirically applicable, unlike some deep fried morons in our godforsaken society.

I Think That Spray On Sunscreen May, In Fact, Be Bullshit

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me five or six times, and I am not entirely sure who the asshole is at this point, but someone in the equation is exhibiting gross negligence. I am currently recovering from yet another sunburn (#survivor) and I am just now starting to put the pieces together.

My first warning was something of a misdirection. I got a sunburn a few years ago on a trip to the beach with my girlfriend at the time. On the way home, she got me some aloe lotion; an invention that has existed more or less since 4000 BC but was new and novel to me as a result of my astounding lack of an instinct to take action to secure my own comfort. The infectiousness of this heightened state of consciousness caused us to examine the can of spray sunscreen I had applied and reapplied throughout the day, and I made another discovery: sunscreen can expire. And indeed, my sunscreen had.

On another trip to the beach, I arrived earlier than the cohort I had assembled for a day of fun in the sun at Rockaway to engage in a favored activity - lying down and being quiet. Again, I employed an aerosol based sunscreen. By the time my friends arrived they remarked that I already looked pretty burned, but I continued to spray on more throughout the day in vain. When I got home that night, I started to get the chills - sun poisoning seemed to be setting in. Between this ague and the effects of a few frozen Pina Coladas I drank at Connolly’s, I was in an addled state, and I chose to watch the 2003 coastal masterpiece Something’s Gotta Give, and it was a transcendent experience.

Look, I’ve had some minor burns over this stretch of time as well, but I always wrote them off. Oh, maybe the sunscreen was expired, maybe I didn’t reapply enough. Then this past weekend, I was visiting family in Sarasota, Florida, and when we had a day at the beach, I was determined not to get burned. I sprayed liberally, excessively, wastefully, even. I rubbed the spray into my skin thoroughly. And yet, as we drove away from the beach to find a dirty little fish shack for some late lunch on Casey Key, I realized my baloney was fried. Except for my face, because I USED ACTUAL LOTION ON MY FACE. Ditch the spray, folks, get yourself a nice high SPF lotion and find a friend or loved one to grease you down.

Potion Time

When I talk to people about how I start my day (I usually wake up between 6:30 and 7 on weekdays), they often respond by saying they wish they could be a morning person, and I don’t know that I agree with the implication. I would not say I’m a “morning person” in the traditional sense of someone who is up and raring to go in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed. I am a morning person because I need to have a full morning in order to get some momentum going so that I can get through the day with any success.

Morning Routines as a concept have taken a bit of a hit in recent years due to the level of import placed on them by these min/maxing, hyper-optimization goons who see the day as nothing but something from which to extract material value and place no importance on actually enjoying life. I have the vague notion that this is something that is big on Tik Tok? I can’t be a total hater though; I think that knowing what works for you in the AM and having some sort of routine based around that can make life easier for you.

For my part, under ideal circumstances, I need a good hour and change to get things into operational order. Its as though every morning I open the garage to find a weird old car that’s been sitting idle for who knows how long, and there are four or five different things I need to do to get it jump started. I tend to basic hygiene, eat something or at the bare minimum have some coffee, and do something enjoyable like working on a crossword puzzle, watching recaps of the previous night’s MLB games, or reading. But the latest development in the rigamarole of the beginning of my day is what I call “Potion Time” - preparing a series of beverages with the obligatory quickness of an alchemist who has grown tired of his job and sucked down with the desperation of Dr. Jekyll trying to prevent himself from turning into Mr. Hyde. Potion Time is usually the last thing I do before going out the door to work, gurgling and burbling all the way to the office.

It traditionally consists of:

1. Powdered greens dissolved in water

2. A glass of store brand Metamucil

3. A protein shake (optional)

I don’t know who the category leader is in the powdered greens racket, but Athletic Greens was the first I had heard of the stuff as a compound drink and not just individual components like spirulina dust put into a drink at a juice bar. I have never had AG despite hearing more ads for them than I could shake a shaker bottle at on every podcast I listen to, but I have tried several of their off the shelf, over the counter competitors. I have been doing powdered greens for probably six or seven months now and I’ve gone through maybe 5 containers of the stuff, all different brands. The first one was quite tasty and every single one I’ve had since has been variations on ass, ranging from overly chemical science-y flavored to essence of lawn clippings. The thing is, I know the specs on the version that I actually liked: its Vital Proteins. But I can be unreasonably stubborn about some things, and one of those is that I like to buy shit in a store, especially my provisions and dry goods. So I just go to CVS and roll the dice on whatever ones they have there almost out of spite. And I am the only one who really suffers in this equation! Maybe I’m hoping that lightning will strike twice and I’ll find another powdered greens that tastes good. To the ass flavored greens, I must give some credit. Every container of powdered greens I have choked my way through has resulted in some sort of Stockholm Syndrome where by the time I’m nearing the end of my supply I am convinced that they actually are not that bad.

If we have reached the stage of intimacy and conviviality through in-person conversation that the subject of dietary/colo-rectal health is on the table for discussion, chances are you have already heard me wax raphsodic about how the best things I have done for my health in the last few years is get a bidet and taking the generic store brand equivalent of Metamucil. Bidets we can save for another time, but I became a convert and started preaching the good news of the ‘muce after watching this video a few years ago. Fiber intake is important folks! And considering all the trendy attention the management of your gut biome has gotten over the last few years, you have no excuse for not keeping fiber in mind. Let’s not worry too much about gussying up the subway station right now, why don’t we start by making sure the trains run on time. This is an elegant metaphor for keeping regular, but also doubles as a critique of how funds for subway station improvements are allocated by the MTA. What I really like about the store brand Metamucil is the thrill of a bargain, something that is especially exciting when it comes to medical or health related purchases.

The protein shake is for when I’m feeling ambitious. Usually at this point of the Potion Time process, I am gasping and burping like in a Western where someone is drunk and they get their head dunked in the water trough. Lately I have started with the protein shake because I bought a new container of protein powder that tastes disgusting and I am determining if I shall power through it like I do with my wayward powdered greens. Remember what I said about having no instinct for my own comfort?

Drink Water

This one may actually be backed up by some Science.