Food News!

I have been privy to some developments in the field of gastronomy over the last few days, so I am invoking my sacred right to hit you with some FOOD NEWS. Relevant and worthwhile to you? Your mileage may vary!

I brought a big, wet sandwich to Citi Field

As outlined in my wishes, hopes, and dreams for the 2024 baseball season, I resolved to test firsthand the boundaries of what is allowed at the stadium where the Mets play. Based on my research, my assessment was that it is an “Air Bud rules” situation: there’s nothing that says you can’t bring in food, but they’re not going to explicitly say you can. But you can! Most of the restrictions have to do with bags / containers - no backpacks (unless they are clear), hard coolers, outside alcohol, or plastic water bottles larger than 20 oz. (though you can bring an empty reusable water bottle). As far as I can tell, you can get admitted carrying a tote bag filled with pierogis. And last weekend, attending a game in celebration of a friend’s birthday, I was admitted with a sandwich. Though I was pleased with my success, I have some room for improvement.

I went to an unfamiliar bodega that was close to the G train to grab my vittles. I ordered a pretty basic sandwich; I wanted my test case to be standard in such a way that I wasn’t going to be heartbroken if it was confiscated or otherwise damaged during travel. I got turkey “ham” (the ham like meat product made from turkey that a lot of non-pork deli counters serve), provolone, shredded lettuce, salt, pepper, mayo on a hero. You might have narrowed your eyes and raised your eyebrows at the mayonnaise. If you’re someone who fundamentally can’t stand mayonnaise, I get it, but you need to understand that you have your individual taste and I have mine, along with the other people who have contributed to the $8742.66 million in mayonnaise market valuation in the year 2022. If I seem defensive, it’s only because I’ve encountered enough anti-mayo partisans in my life who take their perfectly acceptable personal preference and act like it’s an objective truth. To those of you who flinched because you’re not sure that a sandwich with mayo was going to travel well, please understand I shared your concern beforehand but decided I needed to see how it was going to hold up under my conditions at the time. I also grabbed a “7 Train Special” (tall boy in a bag that you drink on the train like a degenerate or a depressed businessman) and disembarked.

The guy at security checked my bag and waved me through with no issue. The sandwich was… fine. I think keeping any spreads or dressings separate is in order for the next go around. Oil and vinegar would have sogged that bad boy up real good if left to its own devices. But maybe I need to think bigger. Maybe I need to bring a Nice, Tasty Pizza Pie to the ballpark next time.

The Cheese Ball Man ate the Cheese Balls

A few weeks ago, I was walking past The Strand Bookstore on East 12th when I saw a flyer pasted to a pole or maybe a mailbox. It had a picture of a gentleman wearing an orange ski mask holding up a tub of cheese balls with the text “Watch me eat this entire jar of cheeseballs. Union Square Park April 27th 3pm.” I smiled and gave the thumbs up to the flyer, thinking to myself hey, the city’s still got it. Then I thought about how cheese balls are pretty good, especially those Utz ones I used to eat as a kid. There was a time I might have considered them a top 5 favorite snack but now that I think about it I probably haven’t had them in at least 20 years.

Anyway, I was tickled by the prospect of this kind of bizarre and seemingly pure form of public performance art. Union Square Park has been host to all manner of public gatherings over its robust history, so it seemed a fitting location. Hundreds of people turned up to watch him (not me, I was heading to the aforementioned Mets game) as he dutifully housed the entire jar over the course of 30 minutes. Apparently, Cheese Ball Man has a mild gluten allergy, and the balls he got were not gluten free. Reports say he nearly threw up, but powered through with the help of the crowd.

The event was not without detractors, though; some drew comparisons to the man in Philadelphia who drew a crowd to watch him eat an entire rotisserie chicken and said that Cheese Ball Man was ripping him off. Which is, with all due respect, some real Philly shit to say.

It is Time to Start Messing Around With Compote

Look, I’m not going to act like I invented the damn stuff, but I’d like to sing the praises of an oft ignored member of the jelly/jam/preserve family; the Fruit Goos, if you will. I had spent about a week and a half thinking about how I can shake up my breakfast routine when I had some overnight oats at a cafe in my neighborhood that were quite tasty. I’d made overnight oats at home before, but they were kind of lo-fi and unremarkable, so I took inspiration from the cafe’s which served as a reminder that if I put even the bare minimum of thought into how to improve a dish - you’re not gonna believe this - the dish is better. And you know what? I’m worth the extra effort to make some good overnight oats!¹

My first takeaway from the cafe’s oats was that I should diversify the texture with something crunchy like shaved almonds or granola. The MVP, however, was the fruit - berries that were slightly gooey and exuding a little syrupy-ness. Being a certified jack-ass, I thought ah yes, that must be from the overnight-ification of the fruit, so I was a little disappointed when I let my cut strawberries mingle with the oats and the oat milk overnight and they seemed crisp and fresh the next day. That’s when I realized I was a fool and I had neglected to consider the humble COMPOTE.

Oh how we overlook and neglect compote as a society! Why, why I ask you, do we chase the dragon of smooth jelly when compote is sitting right there, asking so little of us? Here is a perfectly serviceable compote recipe:

Ingredients

• Some berries

• Some sugar

• Maybe some honey? Hell, you could swap out the sugar for the honey probably, what do I care?

Steps

1. Put everything in a saucepan over some heat and stir occasionally

2. Have compote

It took me five minutes to make some compote and my oats are vastly improved because of it. Summer is around the corner, berries are going to be back in season and I want to promote compote as a middle ground for those of us who want something jam-adjacent but are not ready to buy in to the radical canning / preserving agenda. COMPOTE!

An Unrelated Plug

The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater is back in New York, and I’ve got a show with my team Woodstock on Monday, May 6th. There are a lot of great improvisors on the team and it should be a great time! Tickets available here!

Ciao!

¹ Go ahead, say this to yourself in the mirror while playing Katy Perry’s Roar on the smallest, cheapest Bluetooth speaker you have.